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How scientists think the world will end

Modern Science tells us with a very high degree of certainty what will happen on the last day of the world (October 15, 2016). Different regions of the world will meet with different fates. Here is a map with the lowdown:

United States of America

Christ will descend to Earth and take all True Believers to Heaven. The rivers shall become blood and all foodstuff shall transform immediately to dust, leaving nonbelievers to gnaw upon nothing but each other, stones, and Twinkies.

Central and South America

The Hummingbird-god Huitzilopochtli shall venture forth from his Southerly palace and consume himself in a final, explosive act of autophagy. This will not cause any actual destruction per se, but will result in a curious and unspeakable ennui to descend upon the entire region's population.

Canada

The Creator shall descend from His Celestial Chambers for a potluck dinner.

Africa

No one has investigated the matter.

Northern and Western Europe

Zombie Charlemagne will rise from the grave, consume the brains of the living, and reascend to his rightful throne as Zombie King of all Zombie Europe.

Southern Europe

An Italian plumber and his brother shall eat mushrooms, grow larger than God Himself, and flatten the entire region with their jumping.

Middle East

There will rise from the Earth's bowels one named Ann Coulter, whose terrible laser eyes shall lay waste all that move.

Jerusalem

Jesus Christ shall appear and shall perform free auto body repair for an entire day.

Eastern Europe

All men, women, and children will line up to engage in one-on-one combat to the death with Vladimir Putin; every man, woman, and child shall lose the battle.

Central Asia

The Wolf-goddess Asena shall go into a frenzy, shall blindly gouge with her teeth, shall spare none but the sufficiently mustachioed.

South Asia

Shiva the Destroyer will appear to raze the World of Men with his Divine Lawn Darts.

East Asia

The top 5% of the region's humanity, who are maximally meritorious, shall be taken to Christ's heaven; the remainder shall be consumed by enraged volcanos.

North Korea

Kim Jong-il will use the power of his Mystical Rhetoric and, if necessary, his peerless swordsmanship, to stave off marauding and bloodthirsty gods, thereby delivering a grateful population from disaster.

Southeast Asia

Buddha will appear from the heart of a lotus, and shall punch the faces of all men in the region, into eternity, whose faces are the faces of all beings, which cannot withstand Buddhic punches.

Oceania

The great Rainbow Serpent will appear from its watery home to consume the souls of the politically moderate.

12 August 2010.
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